god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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