Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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