I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
