The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
