You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
