??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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