You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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