My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
We are two peas in an std pod
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
