I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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