Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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