Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
