i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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