ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
