I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
