He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
