When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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