hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
