you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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