So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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