I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
