By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
