I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
