Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My life is pants optional.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
