just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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