why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
