I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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