this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
