That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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