Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
