girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize