My cat gives me a boner
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize