I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
