The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
