Dude my mom stole all your condoms
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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