It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
