Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I am naked and annoyed.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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