I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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