hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
