Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
