If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
