party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
vagina is talking i cant
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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