I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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