the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
