I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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