i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
