I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
