had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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