Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
