The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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