Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
