My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
