I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
