i jhust puked up my retainher.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
