hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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