I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
