We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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