I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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