Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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