hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
