You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
