He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
